#as we all know babies famously fix broken relationships

[boarwinds]

Lucy Gray and her Snow baby

[isurviveddv]

8 weeks to 10 weeks

8 Weeks  -  December 11th, 2019

Time now was just a blur. Emotionally I was trying to heal, some friends said it was time to try and date. Others said just find a good buddy with benefits lol. Not for me though. I wasn’t ready yet and I knew it. Instead the week of Thanksgiving I had started at a second job at night. So, by day I’d work my office 9-5 then go straight to my second job and work 7-11pm. Go home, sleep and attempt to eat something in between. The schedule was honestly brutal but now he was gone, and money was beyond tight. Emotionally most days I was mostly ok until I was home. I would start each day by listening to our song, Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton and looking at his mugshot. I felt such horrible guilt…remorse. But also (and I know this will be rather un-popular to say) he isn’t a bad guy, just made a horrible decision that snowballed. He looked so angry in the picture, and he was so angry the last time I saw him. I knew for sure he would hate me for what I did and blame me…as would his family. Most of them anyway. I began to improve a little at my office job, getting in each day and really pushing myself to be great. Then life decided to say nope! In quick succession my car broke down, I got strep throat, AND from being sick had 3 seizures ( I am epileptic ). So not only did I loose pay from BOTH jobs for nearly a week, but now I also had to pay to fix my car which was $250 on top of rent, electric, and everything in between. I was drowning. I was lonely.

Two weeks before Christmas was a breaking point for me. I couldn’t keep up the schedule for 2 jobs, the car had broken down a second time, and now my uncle’s 2nd car was also down and he worked nights so I no longer had a ride home from my second job at 11pm at night. I threw up my hands in defeat. I quit the second job via e-mail and signed up on one of those dating apps. Truthfully at first, I was disgusted. So many men messaging me asking for nudes, calling me baby, wanting to just come over and sleep with me. In the last few years did everyone forget how to date?! Maybe I was being very picky, but I knew what I wanted versus what I needed. I needed some type of affection but not necessarily sex. I wanted something comfortable, something relaxed and someone who was understanding of the fact that I had no desire to be in a committed relationship anytime soon. I am also not a booty call type, so I wanted something in between. I needed it to feel organic and natural to me, not like planned sex if that makes sense.  A friend with benefits sort of thing I suppose. It was 2 months since I’d even felt a man kiss me. Many tried to take me out, even some old friends and friends of my ex. A few men caught my attention and we carried on a conversation for a while then they would ask me out and I would go silent. Something still held me back, but then one man messaged me, and we just hit it off. We chatted back and forth for a week, and then I told him about what I had been through and how I didn’t want a commitment but didn’t want to just be a piece of ass. He got me. He understood, and said he felt the same. We got along famously. We were playful and he made me laugh. I gave him my number and we would talk on the phone while I drove home from work each day. I wanted to meet him now. It was the week of Christmas though so I figured it wouldn’t be a good time. Christmas eve I spent with my family. I asked my ex-husband to enjoy time with the kids and told them I would do a late Christmas with them the next weekend. I went home about 5pm on Christmas Eve, and as usual he and I had been texting off and, on all day long. As we were talking, I began to drink. I had gotten A LOT of booze for Christmas presents so I was feeling pretty good within two hours. I also was much less filtered when I spoke. As it turns out though, neither of us had plans on Christmas day. His family mostly lived up North, and I just wasn’t in the spirit, so we agreed I’d go to his house and watch a movie or play a board game with him. He kept reassuring me no pressure, nothing expected aside from company, so we didn’t have to be alone.

That night was the first time in MONTHS I didn’t feel alone. He was sweet and kind and hilarious. And I know it was “reckless” or “stupid” to a lot of people to just go to his house. Let me be clear. I had a .22 in my purse, mace, AND a knife on my person. But it was a step I needed to take. That night was the first time in over 2 years since I had kissed any man other than my ex. The first time in over 2 years that I allowed a man to touch me other than my ex, and I will be honest it scared the crap out of me. I hesitated a lot, though my date was still very understanding when I put on the brakes. That first kiss made my heart fall into my stomach and gave me butterflies at the same time. Dread and relief washed over me. Like seeing the sun rise for the first time only to watch that same sun explode. I stayed a few hours longer, and he didn’t push. We cuddled a bit on the couch and watched two movies. I was so appreciative and kind of floored by hiss understanding that I decided he was worth the risk, so we made a date for the next night. Maybe I’d be better tomorrow, but for tonight I went home. Cried my eyes out. Did a few shots and laid down in my empty bed.

[caveartfair]

These Female Photographers Are Redefining Masculinity

Portrait of Solomon Golding by Cat Garcia. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

In 2009, following a year spent shooting female fashion models, London-based photographer Cecilie Harris fixed her lens on a man—and she never looked back. Today, her interest in male subjects has evolved into a popular biannual print publication, Boys By Girls, in which a generation of young men are captured exclusively by female photographers.

“It was an ‘aha’ moment,” says Harris of that first shoot. “Something felt very different, and very right.” In contrast to some of the women she’d photographed the year prior, the male model moved freely. And with less elements to play with, from hair and makeup to wardrobe, “you had to pull more from yourself as a photographer, and from your model, to get a really impactful picture.”

From there, Harris narrowed her focus to shooting menswear fashion, but something wasn’t quite right. “I was working with a lot of male editors and I felt pushed to photograph models in ways they wanted me to,” she says. This often meant focusing on her subjects’ physical attributes. And so, in 2011, she launched Boys By Girls—a magazine that invokes not the male body, but the soul.

William Stautberg and Colby Demarco. Photo by Danielle Levitt. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Portrait of Oliver Hayes by Sophie Mayanne. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Initially conceived as a coffee table book, the magazine chronicles today’s male youth as witnessed through the female gaze. In doing so, it unearths new conceptions of male identity, and fluid, open attitudes toward love, sexual relationships, and mental health.

This depth of observation is thanks, in large part, to the intention of the women behind the camera. The “female gaze” is most often thought of as a rebuttal to the “male gaze,” a term famously coined by feminist film critic Laura Mulvey in 1975. But within that equation, men are placed in another gender construct, one plagued by its own set of physical ideals. By getting to know their subjects and working to capture them in all their complexity, these female photographers are dismantling gender binaries.

Louis and Harald. Photo by Trisha Ward. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

“The overall arc is to explore what it’s like growing up as a young male today,” says Harris. The most recent issue, themed Young Hearts, however, captures intimate relationships of all kinds, in Danielle Levitt’s photographs of couples spanning races, genders, and ages.

The resounding message that rose from the issue, says Harris, is the idea of being able to love whoever you want to love. In photographs by Nicola Collins, two boyfriends who’d met in an LGBT support group are pictured embracing in a bed of grass. “It’s a crazy concept,” one of the subjects, Matt Tyson, says of that prerogative in his accompanying interview with Harris. “It’s like; I like chocolate and you don’t, what’s the difference?”

And, reflective of softening gender barriers across Western cultures, Boys By Girls earnestly projects a more fluid image of masculinity.

Tyler and Dominic. Photo by Paulina Otylie Surys. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Photo by Doreen Kilfeather. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

“One of my favorite questions to ask boys is ‘Do you cry?’” says Harris. “Most of them say ‘yes,’ which maybe if you asked a boy that 20 years ago they wouldn’t have said.” Indeed, throughout the issue, male subjects, including notable actors and models, confidently muse on their own expanding perceptions of manhood.

Tyson sees this change as rooted in the shifting position of women in society. The male fear of adopting feminine characteristics, he says, has a lot “to do with the fact that throughout history, and in our society, women are seen as lesser.” But those gender conventions are slowly being eroded.

In a feature written and photographed by Harris, British actor Thomas Brodie-Sangster, of Game of Thrones, recalls his first bike—a bright pink scooter—alongside soulful portraits that picture him in dapper ensembles, including a baby blue Marc Jacobs suit. “Every male has a feminine side,” he says.

Portrait of Bradley Phillips by Cecilie Harris. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Likewise, 22-year-old Canadian actor Connor Jessup is photographed by Dani Brubaker in intimate black and white portraits that show him climbing trees or delicately lounging in Levis. “I cry in public and I don’t give a fuck,” he says, “but I think there is still a large part of the world that holds on to this sort of broken and armoured vision of masculinity.”

Boys By Girls is fostering a more progressive view of masculinity, in part by acknowledging the damaging effects of gender constructs, and encouraging honest discourse around mental health. “Some publications, especially fashion publications, tend to focus on what’s on the surface, and glamorize things,” Harris says. She stresses the importance of tackling these topics head on, rather than glossing over experiences of anxiety, depression, or loneliness.

Portrait of Thomas Brodie-Sangster by Cecilie Harris. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

Portrait of Martin Garrix by Cleo Glover. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

In a feature on British singer-songwriter Zak Abel, who Harris photographed around his old high school, playing a piano or stretching out across wooden chairs, he opens up about our preoccupation with social media—and the toll it can take on the spirit. Elsewhere in the magazine, the young EDM star Martin Garrix, pictured by Cleo Glover in an intimate shot where he’s lying on a hotel bed, speaks candidly about loneliness on the road.

Perhaps the issue’s most striking spread pictures 24-year-old ballet dancer Solomon Golding, the first black male dancer in London’s Royal Opera House. “He’s half black, half white, and he’s gay,” says Harris, “and he doesn’t feel like he’s fully accepted within any of those groups.” Cat Garcia’s photographs of Golding, which show him stretching and dancing freely in the ballet studio or resting outdoors, celebrate his individuality.

Portrait of Connor Jessup by Dani Brubaker. Courtesy of Boys by Girls.

They challenge perceptions of what a ballet dancer can look like. But even more so, they’re a reminder to those following along, perhaps other young men who similarly straddle different cultural stereotypes, that they’re not alone.

“At the end of the day, when we as women photograph men, it is only our interpretation,” says Harris. Rather than project their views on their subjects, these women are providing a platform for young men to embrace their true selves. The more outward-facing this expression becomes, the more empowering a tool it can be for young men searching for their place in the world.

—Molly Gottschalk

from Artsy News

[mnefaulkerson]

How to Reprioritize and Find Purpose After a Hard Fall in Life

(Image: lee Scott)

Last week a course participant shared with me that she just had a hard fall in life.

She recently lost her baby, left her job, and has been working on her startup in the past year which has not taken off in the way she wanted.

She asked me if I have any thoughts on reshuffling, reprioritizing, or finding new purpose in life, as she is not really sure if what she thought she wanted before is worth it anymore.

When I heard what happened my heart went out to her. I have already responded to her privately but I thought to write this post in case any of you are going through a tough phase in life.

1) Give yourself space to grief, to heal

Firstly I’m not going to tell you that what doesn’t break you will make you stronger.

Instead I’m going to tell you to grieve and take some time out for yourself first. Our society today is very much about doing. Do, do, do. Move on. Get over things. Get over yourself.

Yet we are humans, not robots. When we fall we need time to heal and climb back up. When we have an emotional fall the wounds may not be visible, but they cut so much deeper than physical wounds. Trying to “move on” when we are still hurting and feeling lost not only hurts us, but may cut us deeper and leave us more broken.

Take some time out for yourself. To heal. To recover. To find yourself. Give yourself the space to grieve, cry, and mourn over your loss.

I recommend to journal your darkest feelings. Pour your heart out on paper. Talk to your loved ones and share your pain. Spend some time alone, by yourself. If you are working, take a few days of no-pay leave (if you don’t have paid leave left) to rest and get a timeout. Work can continue for a while without you. But you, you need time to rest, recuperate, and heal, before stepping forward.

2) Think about the things that matter

Maybe you feel lost because you have been working so hard on something that amounted to nothing. Maybe you just lost your job. Maybe your marriage ended in shambles. Maybe your business is not doing well. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Or maybe you just lost your baby, something that no one should ever have to go through in their lifetime.

In these darkest times, think about the things and people that matter. Your parents perhaps. Your sibling(s) if you have one. Your partner. Your passion. Your beliefs. The people you care about, whom you’ve touched. Your children, if you have any.

And then there’s someone you may have forgotten. Your higher self. He (She) has always been there with you, quietly watching you, comforting you. He (She) has been with you through everything and wrapped his (her) hands around you and tightly hugged you in times of pain, even when you thought you were alone.

When all hope seems lost, remember that you are not alone. If you find it very hard to think about someone or something you care about, close your eyes and ask yourself, “What matters to me? What matters to me in this world?” Write down all your answers in your notebook, and write until you cry and until you can cry no more. As you lie in a state of darkness and grief, think about the things that give you light.

3) Reflect on your future

When you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, think about your life ahead.

As you stand and see your life before you, what do you wish to do moving forward?

For example, 5 years from now, what do you wish to see in your life?

Do you want to start a family, if you don’t have one yet?

Do you want to work on a new career?

Do you want to run your business or start a new one if your previous business failed?

If you’re single, do you want to be married or be in a relationship?

Where do you see yourself living? Do you want to be living in the same country or elsewhere?

What do you want to be doing?

It doesn’t have to be one answer but a few answers. 

Doing this envisioning exercise is about getting clarity of what you want. Defining a direction that you care about. This direction can be the exact same one you were working on before. It can be a similar direction to what you were doing before but altered based on your new priorities in life. It can be a totally different one. Take this as a good timeout to think about what you want vs. just going through the motions.

For example, my course participant told me that she felt lost because she had been working so hard on her career/business all this while and made sacrifices, yet the people there for her during her darkest hour were her family and husband. While she is working on her business today, all she can think about is her baby and family. All these things that I was chasing, that I thought that I wanted, what for? she couldn’t help but wonder.

I told her to think about what she wants to see down the road. “What do you want to see in your future, 5 years from now?” This future can involve being a full-time mom. It can involve running a successful business. It can involve having a family and running a business of meaning to you. Alternatively, it can involve returning to employment while starting a family. There are no right or wrong answers, only what inspires you the most and what you want to do.

The most important thing is to know that there is no right or wrong answer, only what matters to you. There is pride and joy in being a full-time mom and caring for the household. There is great fulfillment in being a single business owner. You can also be a multi-tasking parent and entrepreneur, managing family and business. Or you can be married with no kids by your choice, dedicating yourself to your goals, career, partner, and family members.

Likewise if you are a guy, you can be a full-time dad if this is what works for you. You can be a full-fledged entrepreneur building your business. You can be a family man having a stable job and raising your family. You can be a nomad traveling across countries and speaking at different places where you go. This is no one fixed path, but the path that holds the most meaning to you.

If you haven’t, do my life purpose exercise where you write your life purpose for 30 full minutes until you cry. It will give clarity of your overall life direction and where/how you should steer your life as you step ahead.

4) Start to pick up the pieces

When you return to life after a hard fall, it may feel disjointing. You may do X but think about Y. You may feel like you are at a loss. You may feel distanced, like you are far away from the things you are doing even though you are trying to move full steam ahead.

Start with the things you enjoy and that give you meaning. What did you enjoy doing before? Start with these.

Maybe you enjoyed writing. Start writing a few articles. Pen down your deepest feelings. Write not for others, but for yourself.

Maybe you liked going for walks with your partner. Add this to your routine.

Maybe you liked watching movies. Pick a few new releases and watch them.

Maybe you liked to travel. Plan your next vacation. Or go for a quick weekend getaway. If your finances allow and you have no immediate obligations, go on a trip for a few weeks. Clear your mind and realign your priorities.

Maybe you enjoyed volunteering, which you find purposeful as you help out individuals in need. Go for some volunteer work that you care about.

Maybe you liked to work as working keeps your mind moving and your work allows you to do very meaningful stuff. Take on projects that inspires you the most, that get to create the most impact.

The goal is to reintroduce the things you liked about your life back into your routine, at your own pace. Also, focus on doing things that interest you vs. doing things out of obligation. Let yourself be guided by what you want, what you love, not what you feel you have to do. The former is to be driven by love while the latter is driven by fear.

5) Start rebuilding your life

Once you are ready, it’s time to rebuild your life.

Ready meaning you are ready to reintegrate with the world. To give life your all again. To be your true authentic self.

Remember the vision you have painted in step #3? How can you get started with that?

Perhaps you lost your child and you are grieving over his passing. You still hope to have a child one day, to start a family.

Firstly, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. When you are ready, try for another child with your partner. I know someone who lost her baby but subsequently conceived again and gave birth. Their newborn fills them with joy each day. Yet he could never have entered the world if they (the parents) didn’t decide to try again, for another baby. He doesn’t replace his lost sibling in any way, but he brings joy and love to his family all the same.

Maybe you just ended a marriage. You are still hurting but you have decided that it’s time to move on.

There’s no need to jump right back into the dating scene if you’re not ready. In fact, use this time to focus on yourself. To work on the goals you couldn’t when you were married. To date yourself and fall in love with life again as a single.

Maybe you just went through a crushing business failure or your business is tanking. You feel ashamed and you’re not sure what to do next about your business.

Remember that businesses fail all the time though. Colonel Sanders was rejected 1,009 times when he tried to sell his now famous KFC recipe. Richard Branson, business magnate and billionaire, has failed in many businesses, from Virgin Cola to Virgin Brides to Virgin Mates (condoms) to Virgin Cars. Steve Jobs got fired from the very company he founded, and very publicly so. (He would be famously rehired later.)

That your business has failed or yet to take off is hardly the exception but the norm, especially in today’s ultra-competitive marketplace. In fact every entrepreneur almost certainly fails a few times at least before succeeding. As Richard Branson says, “Every person, and especially every entrepreneur, should embrace failure with open arms. It is only through failure that we learn.” The focus here isn’t “How can I not fail?” but “How can I fail quickly, learn from my failures ASAP, and use these lessons to achieve my next success?” Read: Can Everyone Be Successful in Starting Their Business?

If income is a concern, get a job or do some part-time work first. Budget and save up while you work on your business on the side. Quit when you gain enough traction to make a living from your business. Read: Pursuing Your Passion With No Money

Maybe you just got retrenched. Your previous company is the only thing you’ve ever known your entire working life.

Take this as a fresh new start. Your previous company is not you. What are some goals you’ve always wanted to pursue? Hobbies? Take this chance to explore them. Is there a different industry you’d like to dip your toes in? Create a plan that safeguards your financial risks while paving your new path. Reach out to your friends, industry contacts, and headhunter agencies to understand the industry status and job openings. Attend recruitment events. Use sites like Glassdoor, Vault, and Linkedin to research and understand the inside scene of the industry better.

***

To you reading this, I’m terribly sorry that you had to go through this. I wish that things could be better. I wish that I could make the pain go away.

While I can’t say that things will get easy because they may not, here’s one thing I do know: We are alive right now. You and me, we are alive. Because of that, it means the possibility to create what we want. To be with our loved ones. To touch them, to cherish them. To pursue what we love. To impact others. To make a difference in the things we care about. To show appreciation to the people we love, while we still can. To create life.

I hope you’ll be able to find the strength to carry on soon. I hope you’ll be able to break through this darkness to find light. When you do, you’ll find that the whole world has been waiting for you to re-join it all along. That everyone around you, including the people you care about and love, has been waiting for you to join them. That no matter what you think, you are never alone. That even in times of darkness, there can still be light.

Related Posts:

When Life Gives a Happy Ending

Why Have a Life Purpose? 5 Reasons You Should Have a Purpose

What Childhood Stories Are You Reenacting Today?

7 Limiting Beliefs Keeping You from Living Your Best Life

The post How to Reprioritize and Find Purpose After a Hard Fall in Life is first published on Personal Excellence.

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